Make sure your kids find a passion

You can also name this task as finding a hobby.  It may sound mundane, but nothing could be farther from the truth.

Having hobbies keeps kids out of trouble.  If they really get into stamp collecting, for example, a portion of their time is going to be consumed with this task rather than either moping in front of the television during the summer and holidays.  It will also keep their minds occupied on something positive.

I don’t know if my Mother was brought up with hobbies, but I can remember having projects to keep me occupied from my earliest years.  I think my Dad had a thing for trains because there was a train set he had set up in my bedroom when I was about four.  Earlier than that my Mom read to me and had all sorts of children’s books available to me whenever the whim hit.

As kids age, you may be able to find a hobby you can do together.  Scrap booking and photography come to mind.  Gardening is a good one also.  Kids can learn at an early age the significance of watering the lawn and a garden.  It’s even more meaningful if you start a vegetable garden and allow the children to help choose what you are going to plant.

Mind you, kids in this day and age think all there is to life is school, ugh, movies, video games and Facebook and MySpace.  It is not an easy task to get them to shift gears once they are ingrained in a habit.  Working on a hobby will be the new habit to replace their old ones.

Almost forgot the major one topic that can pull the whole family together.  Assign books to read.  Everyone has to read the same book and there will be a discussion time.  Reading improves your peace of mind, your concentration power, and has an overall calming effect.  You cannot read and worry at the same time. Establishing reading as habit in your children will stay with them for a lifetime.

Some hobbyists go nuts when it comes to keeping up with the latest gadget that is a part of their hobby.  One guy on the Dr. Phil show was an amateur musician.  He had built his own sound studio.  The problem was he would rather buy another piece of electronic equipment than pay bills.  His wife was at the point of walking out on him.  Look for balance in all avenues.

Hobbies help your life stay in a balance.  Many hobbies have led to people starting their own company based on the experience they learned while working the project as only a hobby.  I read recently about an 11-year old who started sewing when she was three and now has her own line of clothing.

I had economics professor in college who realized the only thing he would have on retirement was sitting around the house.  He took up oriental painting.  He had a display at a local bank and earned enough so that he filed a profit and loss statement to go with his regular income tax.

Hobbies will, more than likely, change during the course of a lifetime.  That doesn’t matter.  It only matters that you have a hobby to keep your kids busy, satisfied with life and ensuring there is something to look forward to, no matter what else happens to be going on inlife.

Start a hobby today and share it with your kids.  You wouldn’t be sorry.

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Stop enabling your children

The last couple of generations are composed of parents who work too much and have more money than they really need.  The result is the constant need to over indulge their children.  They feel as if they have to make up for all the work and time apart.  The secondary portion of this over indulgence is never letting the kids fend for themselves.  They aren’t responsible for cleaning their rooms or making their own meals when they are old enough to cook.  Parents either hire someone to do the job or give the kid money to order the product or service.

This doesn’t end with adulthood.  They, the enabling parents, continue to pay for cars, insurance, and if push-come-to-shove cook meals and clean up after the slobs they raised.  The answer is always the same.  I want them to have more than I did.  Baloney!

Over-indulging parents create kids that are one big mess when they grow up.  The basic is simple.  You have created an adult who hasn’t a clue as to how to take care of himself in the outside world.  After all, why should he?  He can have Mom or Dad do all of that.  Now these adult children are facing the outside world, people shake their heads in astonishment.  They don’t know how to deal with these spoiled brats.

There was an intriguing spot on 60 Minutes some time back about this very problem.  What our society has labeled “20 somethings’ are now in the work world. Management is having a hell of a time trying to deal with them.  They are arrogant and don’t expect to work too hard.  If pushed, they are willing to walk and find other employment. Corporate America has to develop new management tactics so they can keep their younger employees. With the economy the way it is, these 20 ‘somethings’ may just have a long term hardship when it comes to developing a worthwhile career, no matter what the market niche.

All of these problems can be tied to over indulgent parents.  Lest you think this is a new problem, think again.  My kids were in a private school for awhile when we dumped them back into regular schools in their junior high years.  We are talking late 70s and early 80s.  My eldest son had a passion for electronic hand-held games and watches.  Nothing as sophisticated as we see in today’s market.  He zeroed in on the fact very quick that many of the kids in his new school had so many toys they were willing to part with some for a dollar or so.  The reason for the excess was divorced parents who thought they would make it up to kids by buying them trinkets whenever they asked.  My son gave the gadget a couple of tweaks and resold it for a profit.

Not only are kids raised like this spoiled, but they are also lacking problem solving skills.  They are used to Mom or Dad stepping in.  I can remember one instance when my second daughter needed her car repaired.  She was living with me at the time, but was stuck in another city because her car broke down.  She called at work with the issue.  I informed her I would get the money out of the bank that evening.  I told her the money would be left for her on the coffee table.  She had to find a ride to get back over to pick it up. And, so she did.

My youngest son called one afternoon, now living in another city.  I had just returned from a lengthy errand for his twin and was exhausted.  (I was separated from my husband by this time.)  He needed cash.  I told him if he could get here, I would take him to get it and take him home.  The bus in that city stopped at the corner and it was along walk up an incline in hot weather.  There was a knock at my door in less than 45 minutes.

We help our kids, but leave a door open for them to fight their own problems.  Otherwise, they will never learn problem-solving skills.  So, bottom line, instead of helping, when you over-indulge, you are actually harming.  Think about it before the next time you buy something or solve a problem they should have done themselves.

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Stay at home Moms

We have all heard the stories about Moms at home that get bored and look at going back to work as the only way out.  Whatever you do, don’t fall into the guilt trap.  Many Moms feel guilty because they feel bored.  Guilt has no place in this equation.  You are simply in a situation where you are changing your station in life and it can and will get the best of you from time to time.

This is not to say that being a stay-at-home Mom has any lesser value than being outside in corporate America.  It is simply different.  You have become CEO of the home front. There is a great deal going on inside the walls you have chosen to call home.  In the beginning you may feel overcome with the needs of a new baby or child brought into the home. You are apt to be so exhausted that you can’t remember the last time you had a good night’s sleep.  This can easily lead to the feeling that you are watching the rest of the world go by while attending to the needs of your baby.  Those needs are never ending and one of the most taxing tasks on the planet.

During the newborn’s early stages, you will have to fight just to get time to take a nap, take a shower and sit down to a meal.  After a couple of months, a sleep pattern will settle in.  You can then begin to think how to expand your Universe behind the walls of your home.  Otherwise, you will turn into a woman who paces while waiting for her partner to return so she can indulge into adult conversation.  Keep in mind that many men still have only one thought when coming home.  Where’s my dinner?  All you want is to find out what he was up to during the day.  You want him TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT ADULT THINGS.  He wants food and a time to relax from a hard day.

You need to take the responsibility on yourself to find an answer to this anguish that has been building up. Things are easier these days with the Internet.  You can search for Mommy blogs and online groups like http://www.cafemom.com where they talk about every topic you can imagine relevant to ‘motherhood’.  You also may be able to find other Moms close by.  There is a national organization whose purpose is to put people together who have similar interests.  See http://www.meetup.com.

If this doesn’t appeal, find a class in the evening or weekend that offers something of interest.  If you want to trade time with your partner for such an excursion, do not relent if he feels this is asking too much.  It might require you making friends with women in your same position.  This will open the doors to bartering for babysitting.

Hubby may still be put out that you have decided to reconnect with the outside world. Do not give in to such foolishness.  No woman should allow herself to be walled up from the rest of the world because she has chosen to be a stay-at-home Mom.

These days there is more planning when it comes to pregnancies.  So you can plan for what you are going to do after the baby’s schedule gets settled down.  Instead of waiting until you’re ready to scream at the four walls, you can have a plan in place.  Present this plan to your partner before finalizing pregnancy plans.  This will ease the transition when the time comes.

Nothing about being a stay-at-home Mom is easy.  But planning ahead can make it that much more rewarding.

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The terrible twos and more

Oh my, how did we live through them?  I am not quite sure looking back.  My oldest wanted attention 24/7.  She would sit outside our bedroom door when we were busy having “Mommy and Daddy” time.  She would pester her younger sister who liked playing by herself until she started crying.

Her sister was 18 months younger.  For the first months after her sister was born, she would be looking for her if she was out of her eyesight.  When Debbie, the sister, started walking in a walker, Sandy would chase her around the room pulling her pigtails.  It was her way of playing at the time.  Needless to say, her sister didn’t see it that way.

Before her sister was old enough to interact, she would approach other kids when we were out.  Just staring, hoping for a friendly response.  It got embarrassing after awhile.

It’s about this age, kids stop adhering to the sound of your voice.  They are curious about any and everything.  They even start voicing the word, “No” around this time.

Many mothers fall victim to an urge to blame themselves for the obvious ‘fact’ that they screwed up somewhere the first year.  Otherwise, why in the world would their child be acting this way?  Nope.  Kids test boundaries of authority at home until they move out.  Then, many spend the rest of their life testing similar boundaries as they move through life.

Teen years are a similar, yet more horrifying.  I remember the first time my youngest daughter stomped her feet, yelled and cursed as loud as she good.  The final note was her stomping off to her room and slamming the door so hard I thought it would come off the hinges.  My ex stood there looking at me as if I had suddenly gone insane instead of our daughter. She had been talking to me before the outburst.  I told him I would pick up the conversation when she came back down to earth and quit acting like someone I couldn’t recognize.  (Don’t try and pull a teen out of a tantrum unless they are hurting themselves or others.  They eventually get tired.)

Kids will say no, look at you as if you are nuts when hearing a command, and simply sit down and do nothing when they don’t want to move.  None of this and I repeat none of this is a reflection on whether or not you are a good parent.  I know we all get embarrassed when one of our kids acts up in public.  It could simply be that the child in question is having a particularly bad day and doesn’t really care whether or not they make Mom or Dad look like idiots.

And that is the major point of this post Children are individuals.  They come into this world with free will just like the rest of us.  If you are under the misconception that you can actually ‘train’ a child, you couldn’t be more wrong.  Let me explain what I mean by the word ‘train’.  We train our pets to come, sit, stay and use the litter box.  They learn quickly enough that misbehavior comes with a consequence.  Animals are more moldable than kids any day of the week.  Once a behavior pattern is set, there are not too many slip ups.  We can old guide our kids.

Kids, on the other hand, will put into play the ‘what if scenario’ whenever the whim hits.  What if Mom and Dad don’t find out?  What if I can get away with it just this one time?  They may not even be conscious they are doing it.  They just do. People have free will no matter how well they were brought up.  This is never more evident than in the early years when their brains give in, more often than not, to I wanna do it and damn the consequences.

What’s the answer?  Do we give up and sit idly by while they fall down the rabbit hole we call life?  No, we jump in and advise, cajole, rant, lecture, inspire and do everything heard of under the sun that relates to parenting.  Most important of all, no matter what they do we let them know we still love them no matter how rotten the behavior.  Love the kid; despise the behavior.  Always makes sure you make the difference clear.  When we see them screw up, we just jump back in and try again.  If it becomes necessary, you reach out for professional help.  Until then, you keep doing what every other parent on the planet has always done.  You pick yourself up and try something else.

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Don’t become a martyred Myrtle

During the 70s, I was involved with a very conservative church group.  Most of the mothers were loaded down with kids and chores that never quite got completed.  During services, you could spot them coming in the meeting hall by the line of children carrying all the needed extras.  The women usually looked so pale, one could anticipate them falling over in a dead heap if pushed gently.

The church published a monthly magazine.  One month there was a lead article about “Martyred Myrtle.”  Needless to say, it was a subject of many conversations.  The one big positive about my ex husband is after a very short while he figured out if he didn’t help get the kids ready we wouldn’t get out of the house.  He was so good at it than when I was recuperating from having the twins, he had a teenager from the congregation help him so I could stay in bed one morning and rest while he was at church. About three weeks into this, a knock came on my door around 9:30.  I was still wandering around in my robe and babies were in their room.

To my astonishment, I saw two women with their kids whom I had previously considered friends.  I was informed that members of the congregation were talking about me because I allowed my husband to share in the care of the kids by taking them to church.  What could I be thinking?  I was flabbergasted then and now.  I have no memory of how I responded to these short-sighted and narrow-minded individuals.

This all boils down to one simple principle: our society expects women to be martyred Myrtles.  The only way to keep one’s sanity in the long run is decide from day one this isn’t going to be your path in life.

Now, I can almost see many shaking their heads.  How am I going to get everything done if I don’t do it myself?  As you have more children, do not hesitate to teach them small tasks than can help with the household load.  My girls both learned how to change diapers before the age of seven.  With twins and another toddler, it was necessary.  Before that, we landed one or more teenagers that didn’t mind helping.  They thought dealing with infants twins was cool at the time.

When my boys got to middle school, all three took cooking classes.  All became good cooks.  The youngest already has my grandson in the kitchen.  While I still worked full time, I instructed anyone old enough to be in the kitchen on how to do their part for dinner get-togethers and Thanksgiving.  This wasn’t hard for my husband since he had taught me basics when we got married.

A side note on this.  One good friend never solved this dilemma during her first marriage.  Her husband did nothing but sit down and wait to be served when coming home from work.  It didn’t matter that she also worked.  I called many times around 9 p.m., and she was always doing one thing: cooking.

Now, I realize that it can almost be impossible to change habits.  To understand what happens to housewives with no support, watch the now numerous shows whose titles begin with Desperate Housewives.  Women who sacrifice a good part of their adult life on the altar of motherhood are one word: miserable.

Don’t accept the life of a “Martyred Myrtle.”  Fight tooth and nail to make the necessary changes.  It will save your sanity.

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The newness of it all

In the beginning there were some wonderful moments. The first baby’s arrival was greeted with a lot of joy.  There is a euphoria that comes to new mothers along with, of course, sore breasts that leak milk.  I am pretty sure the euphoria is from the increased hormones.  For the first month, I felt an overwhelming love for my baby girl and my husband.  There was some getting used being called to action by small infant.  But, I figured I would get used to it.

We read Dr. Spock before her arrival.  We concluded we needed to follow his views.  He had to be right, of course; otherwise he couldn’t have sold so many books.   What can I say? I was 20 at the time.  I soon learned that trying to keep the baby on a schedule was more tiring than trying to feed her when she was hungry; of course, not over indulging.  Who wanted to be labeled having raised a spoiled baby?  Not me.  Eventually, the only time we struggled to keep to the schedule was at night.  This one, character that she turned out to be, didn’t eat a lot.  We used to have to wake her up to get her to nurse.  We rolled her around on the bad until she opened her eyes and looked up as if to say, “Are you guys nuts?”

Soon exhaustion hit.  Recovering from delivery and getting shorted on sleep with a hungry baby does that. When a wave of exhaustion came no one could stand in my way of getting to bed.  I didn’t feel guilty about that either.

These days women don’t take enough time to recover from delivery.  They see others popping back up in society almost immediately and feel they should be able to do the same.  The first time around, I was in the hospital for five days.  It was the norm in the 60s.  The uterus needs time to heal, which can’t happen if you are up bobbing around trying to keep ahead of things.  Hospital stays now, are get in and get out quickly.  No thought is given to the potential long term damage to the health of the mother. Be sure to demand aid from your spouse, relatives and friends.

Finally, during this time things in the house are going to get neglected; dirty dishes and the need for vacuuming, etc.  They can wait until you can recruit help or either your own energy returns.  Do not allow this to make you feel guilty.

Momyhood is a lifelong struggle to take care of your kids and keep your sanity.  Do not become a martyred Myrtle.  I will explain in the next post.

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No family is perfect

Last week I watched Dr. Phil and family on stage with his new granddaughter.  I immediately though no one, not even this family is perfect.  Not even this one.

The picture shown to the world is just too put together.  In a way it is a disservice to the viewing world, as they are going to feel inadequate in comparison.  A new baby on stage and no diaper bag was in sight.  The new Mom was obviously breast feeding by the change in her profile.  But that was it.

I was immediately overwhelmed with the desire to start a new blog about Mommyhood.  I am calling it the underside of motherhood that no one wants to talk about.  Hopefully, it will open up others to talk about the things they have held back.

My kids are grown.  My grandkids are in another state so communication is limited.

However, I remember.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I had two daughters, who during the course of one my pregnancies, decided to tear their bedroom apart one wallpaper strip at a time; and that it is just the beginning.

More soon.